Tien-Jen

Why I Stopped Going to Church

Going to church every Sunday began when I was younger up until my early twenties. The recent news about Hillsong and Arise church this year sparked memories from my own experiences of growing up going to church. I’d previously attended Hillsong when I lived in Sydney and attended Arise church in NZ a few years ago.

1) Judgment and gossip. It hurts to feel judged and gossiped about. I recall attending a Chinese church growing up where they gossiped about my family once my parents divorced. It was damaging to hear different things being said or adults asking me questions about my family and our personal lives.

2) Superficiality and hypocrisy. When I attended Hillsong and Arise I found that image was very important. I noticed people were always smiling, and those who were on the stage were often wearing designer clothes. It felt superficial and fake at times. There was fake niceness but a lack of genuine kindness. I also questioned the level of transparency and honesty and actions that felt like a lot of hypocrisy.

3) Lack of mental health awareness. There was this idea that God should be able to help you through your mental health journey. I believe faith is important and trusting in God’s plan, but I also think it’s important to have a level of compassion and action to help people. I observed that mental health is often unacknowledged in many churches.

4) Friendships in churches. There was sometimes a sense of pressure to participate in groups, go to bible study, and volunteer. What I often found was when I left church and groups, most people cut ties and don’t contact you or respond to you anymore. It feels like it’s a transactional friendship that relies on going to church. People would often greet you but there was no deeper interactions.

5) Tithing and church as a business. When I attended Hillsong there was an emphasis on tithing. There was also this feeling of guilt if one didn’t tithe. At the end of the day, the church is a business. I remember the last time I went, I realized how it felt extremely commercialized and I could tell there was a lot of money that goes towards the pastors and marketing. I felt a deep disconnect.

6) Bible study group cult experience. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that people will take advantage of others’ vulnerabilities. During a period of my life when I felt immensely vulnerable, I was looking to make friends and they encouraged me to join a bible study group. This began as a weekly bible group at a friend’s house. Further down the line, there was the encouragement to join a bible course.

The course was for 6 months but there were elements that didn’t feel right from the beginning. They encouraged me to cut down on work shifts while I was studying, which I refused. When I was taking time off to go see family, they asked me to consider not going as it was important to commit to the group. There was also a strange aspect of secrecy. Don’t tell anyone you are attending this group and don’t take your notebook home.

I ended up sharing with my family and flatmate and was grateful that I left within 1.5 months. The friends I made that I genuinely valued spending time with cut ties with me altogether and would later ignore any form of contact. This experience taught me about how it is so easy for people to take advantage of you during a vulnerable period.

7) Church wasn’t aligning with all my values. I believe God loves and accept every person. It’s not right to tell anyone they should be this or that. There’s also arrogance in some churches where they believe if you are Christian you are better than other people and other religions. I recall a sermon where they talked about Buddhism and were implying that it’s less than Christianity.

I still pray and believe in God but I stopped going to church a few years ago. There are aspects of how some churches are run that need to change. Love is accepting anyone with open arms no matter who they are. Love is shown through actions. A sense of feeling lost and isolated was one of the reasons I attended church. I wanted a sense of connection but often felt even more isolated.

What were your experiences of going to church like?

Art by Monica Barengo
We Don’t Need A Lot To Be Happy

When we come into the world we have nothing but ourselves. When we leave this planet we have nothing but ourselves. We already have everything that we need within our body, mind, heart, and soul from the moment we enter the world. We are already enough. The trees don’t ask for so much more than sun and rain, the birds enjoy singing in the early morning hours, and the moon shines happily in the sky at night.

Much of the unease in life is from feeling that there is a cup to fill within ourselves. The belief stems from what we’re told in the world about not being enough. The idea is that we can only be enough if we are accepted by others. The true joy that comes in this life can only come from within. This is why some people spend a lifetime chasing happiness rather than finding joy within. The more we run away from our fears and problems, the more they continue to appear in our lives.

After reading “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay, it really touched me and I loved how she talks about the importance of gratitude and how we talk to ourselves. We become our thoughts and we choose our thoughts. Life is what you make of it, and although you may not be able to control all events that may happen, you are in control of how you respond to it and how you choose to see it.

We don’t need a lot in life to be happy. To have one true friend is a blessing. To have water to drink and food to eat is a blessing not everyone has. To have a roof over one’s head and to be here is a blessing. To breathe with ease is a blessing. The small things can often bring the greatest joy. The feeling of lightness in one’s heart without the weight of worrying or being afraid. You are deserving of happiness. It’s already within you from the day you’re born. You are enough.

What makes you truly happy?

Art by Otto Kim
Being Soft-spoken and Assertive

Has there been a time when you’ve felt unheard or ignored? Has there been an instance where you try to chime in only to have someone interrupt you or ignore what you had said altogether? It is frustrating and it can make us feel as though nobody cares about our opinions. Most often people are too wrapped up in their own thoughts that they don’t notice someone else trying to add to the conversation. I found that there have been moments someone simply hasn’t heard my voice. It’s taken time to learn that it isn’t personal.

Being soft-spoken and assertive can seem like two opposing forces not destined to fit together. Assertiveness was often associated with aggressiveness in my mind. I felt that if I’m being assertive, I’m asking too much. I’ve learned over the years that it’s a healthy way of setting boundaries and communicating your needs. Being assertive is one of the most important interpersonal skills. Assertive ties in with respecting yourself and others, and having a level of self-assurance.

Being assertive means being kind and honest. It can cut misunderstandings and show that you care about the person, situation or topic you’re talking about. It’s important to set boundaries and learn to say no. There’s no need to overexplain or over justify yourself. Saying no in a polite and assertive manner is having a level of sensitivity and care. Becoming more assertive takes practice much like learning a language and gaining fluency. It may feel unnatural and uncomfortable at first, but it’s one of the best ways you can take care of yourself.

Art by Sun Jun
Playing The Piano After A Decade

Do you remember the first time you saw a music performance? I remember watching The Phantom of the Opera and I immediately fell in love with it. As a child, I’d play piano music out loud and dance around the house, listen to tapes for hours, and watch musicals and orchestral performances dreaming of being a musician. At school, we had the opportunity to try different instruments and I remember playing the recorder. I enjoyed reading the notes on the page and playing some simple pieces. Soon, I would say goodbye to my recorder and start playing the flute.

I feel a deep sense of peace writing this as it’s been something on my heart for many years. I spent a lot of time and dedication to music each and every day. I remember playing in jazz band, flute choirs, orchestras, completing examinations, participating in competitions and workshops, playing in concerts, busking, piano accompaniment, and music teaching. Attending music lessons each week for piano, flute, singing and music theory. Gaining wisdom and knowledge from my music teachers. The digital piano that I played on as we couldn’t afford an acoustic one.

One day I applied for a scholarship to have a free piano for a year, I remember it was a beautiful dark mahogany Boston piano with the most beautiful sound. I’d spend the day playing on the acoustic piano and the night with my headphones playing the digital piano. I was extremely hard on myself and would often doubt myself or have a level of perfectionism that made me feel frustrated at times. I loved music though, how I could work on something again and again and express my heart and soul. I often struggled to vocally express myself and music breaks all boundaries as it is the language that anyone can feel and understand.

When I was fourteen I was very determined to go to university to study music and become a music teacher and orchestral musician. At sixteen I left home and studied at the School of Music in NZ for a Bachelor of Music in classical performance on the flute. I was a very passionate soul who was entirely obsessive about music and saw it as my life. The first year of music was exciting but sadly became very tough on my mental health. I remember feeling depressed and suicidal. It was difficult.

During the second year, I dropped out at the end of the year with just one year to go. I was 18 at the time and struggling with my mental health and questioning what exactly did I want to do. Everyone was surprised and so many people said why are you giving up? I didn’t like to feel I was giving up at the time. I felt I disappointed those who believed in me, through all the hard work and energy, and enthusiasm I put through. It sounds dramatic, but a part of me after letting go of music for so many years felt that there was something missing within me.

Music has always been a way to express my soul. When you may struggle to find the words to completely express what’s within you can express this through music or any other form be it painting, dancing, singing, or writing. This year I started playing the piano again, which has been incredibly healing. Music is something that always stays with you. The greatest joy this time was that it felt like I was doing it completely for myself, not to please anyone, not for any acceptance. Music brings a sense of peace, presence, and joy and connects us to our inner world and the world outside. A world without music is unimaginable.

What instrument(s) do you play? What instrument would you like to play?

Photography by Tommy Baboon
Spending Time Offline

The greatest joys in life are often simple things. Thinking about a life offline makes me feel nostalgic as I transport to a time when we listened to tapes, spent lots of time at the beach and hung out with the neighbours. Recently, I’ve been thinking about our screen time and how we live in a society with a growing phone addiction. Sitting on the bus I looked around and saw everyone’s heads down looking at their phone. I feel guilty of this too. After watching The Social Dilemma it made me think about our digital consumption and digital footprint and how valuable it is to spend more time offline.

Being present and curious about the moment. After scrolling, reading, or watching something on my phone, there’s this desire to do something that really feeds my soul. Looking around you can discover so many things just by being curious. Curiosity makes me think of Alice in Wonderland, wandering into the Rabbit hole. It makes me think of adventure, exploring, experience and learning. When we’re curious about our surroundings, we’re more engaged and present. We don’t dwell on the past but focus on what’s happening in the now.

Spontaneous conversations with strangers. There’s much we can learn from small interactions with people. Having random conversations with people at the cafe or bus stop (if it’s safe to do so) can be another way to engage in the world. It helps us pause for a moment and see the world through a different lens. It’s easy to go through a day seeing the world from our own perspective, but we can learn so much from talking to people. It can also make us feel connected to the world and remind us that we’re not alone.

The Art of Daydreaming. People watching is one of those small pleasures in life. Imagine sitting at a cafe staring outside the window with the coffee aroma floating in the air as you watch people wander past. It’s nice to do nothing and just let your mind wander. In contrast to being present, sometimes having a momentary moment to escape reality can be fun. I find daydreaming makes me feel in touch with my creativity and my child-like self. Creativity is best explored when there are no distractions, and it’s just you and your mind in conversation.

Spending time doing the things you love. I’ve had a pile of hundreds of origami paper sitting around for half a year and they breathed a sigh of sweet relief when I opened the package. It was fun to fold them into a swan or a box. There was something therapeutic about it. I think of spending time with your loved ones, going for a long walk, playing or listening to music, or exploring the city. The wonderful thing about time offline is enjoying the hobbies and activities without the interruption of a screen. There’s something about when you do something you love that makes you feel more present and alive.

Take care of your well-being. Technology can impact our sleep, mental health, and overall wellbeing. It’s easy to feel more stimulated after spending time online or watching something before bedtime. Spending time doing things such as meditating, journaling or reading can help you unwind at night time. I found removing several social media platforms helped with my mental health. It’s common for many of us to spend several hours during the week on our computers at work. Taking time to switch off is beneficial for our minds and wellbeing.

How do you like to spend your time offline?

Art by Kate Pugsley
What Is Essential Is Invisible To The Eye

No matter where we are in the world, it’s the state of mind that you’re in that determines the life you want to live. When you’re filled with gratitude and love, you appreciate what you already have. Whereas, if you’re filled with fear, you can feel a sense of lack and worry. The experiences you have, the people you surround yourself with, the places you travel to, the books you read, the food you eat, the music you listen to, the thoughts you feed yourself and the lessons you learn. Life is unpredictable. It reminds us that living in the present is all we truly have, and that the past and the future can often rob us of enjoying, embracing and accepting the moment.

“People where you live,” the little prince said, “grow five thousand roses in one garden… yet they don’t find what they’re looking for…”

“They don’t find it,” I answered.

“And yet what they’re looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water…”

“Of course,” I answered.

And the little prince added, “But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart.”

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

The title is an excerpt from the book, The Little Prince: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” This reminds us of the importance of seeing beneath the surface. We can never really know anyone, not many people, so deeply that we can understand the experiences and layers they have experienced. We live in a deeply visual world and images have so much power and influence. However, the things that truly matter in our lives, are things that can’t be seen but are felt. They are the experiences we have, not the materials. They are the relationships we have, not the status.

The life we experience is ultimately the one we feel within. It makes me think of how a person can be externally happy, but they could be going through an incredibly tough time. It makes me think of how a person can seem serious and may not always smile, but they can also have the biggest heart and kindness through their actions. It’s important to not judge a book by its cover. Nobody is perfect, no matter what it seems, and no matter what it looks like from the outside. It doesn’t matter how much you earn, what clothes you wear or how big your house is. It matters how you treat others, your sense of character and values. Those parts of you, whether that be your intelligence, compassion, wisdom, humour, or enthusiasm, are what make you you.

There are many lessons in The Little Prince. One of the lessons that stand out to me, is the topic of love. What is truly important can only be felt and seen with the heart. This world needs love. We can do many things and never be joyful, but perhaps our happiness could be found in one simple thing (“in a single rose”). Our eyes may indulge in temporary beauty and what lies on the surface. The temporary satisfaction won’t give us a sense of long term contentment. The true beauty of a person comes from their heart. Whatever you do today, remember to look with the heart.

Art by Monica Barengo
Do You Eat The Same Breakfast Everyday?

Drinking a cup of strong black coffee on an empty stomach is a common morning routine for many people. The consumption of caffeine can have weird effects on some people. I find having caffeine can make me shaky and energetic in the short term but it can impact my sleep. A baby coffee such as a mochaccino can feel psychologically less strong than an espresso. Some people may opt for a coffee as they aren’t hungry or they might feel a bit nauseous having breakfast in the morning. However, the lack of breakfast can make me feel like a grumpy cat.

Why is it that we often have the same breakfast every day? A big part of it may be from habit or convenience. When making a trip to the supermarket I automatically go to the cereal aisle. There are some days when I add a bit of variety, such as adding fruits like bananas, frozen berries, or pears or drizzling some honey. It’s my favourite meal of the day because there’s something comforting and familiar about the ritual of making your breakfast. A lack of breakfast can cause me to feel lethargic and tired. However, after having breakfast it sets you up for the day ahead by refueling your tank.

What breakfast do you have each morning?

Art by Fumi Koike
How To Escape From Prison

Discovering that I had a mental illness was eye-opening and brought clarity to the lens I had spent seeing the world throughout my life. The greatest freedom is making the decision to change even though it’s terrifying and confronting as hell. The truth is you are not powerless and you deserve to live a life feeling fulfilled. This is something I’m still learning to see. There’s a stigma still associated with mental health that can make it difficult to speak about it in a transparent way because there’s a fear of being judged, treated differently, and misunderstood. It can increase feelings of isolation in our experience, despite it being one of the most collectively shared experiences.

In the book How to Escape from Prison by Dr Paul Wood he shares his memoir of his own experience in prison. The book was inspiring, raw and honest and it speaks from the heart and tells us that you can turn your life around no matter what false narrative you’ve believed in throughout your life. It was extremely touching and incredibly inspiring to know that change is always possible no matter what has happened throughout your life. You can overcome your inner demons and take control of your life. In the second section of the book, Wood talks about the Five Steps of Freedom.

Five Steps to Freedom

You were born free. We were born free. During our childhood we spent time running around, playing and laughing without creating self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. We wouldn’t overthink things and we lived in the present moment. As we get older our identity can feel distorted and we can feel lost in how we see ourselves and we can create limitations within ourselves. We create a birdcage that we enclose ourselves in despite having the key within us all this time.

Choosing to break out of your mental prison. We all have a choice in how we perceive something and what we act upon. When we make the conscious choice to break out of our mental prison, we acknowledge those thoughts and beliefs that have been holding us back. It takes a lot of courage to break out of our mental prison because it’s far easier to be comfortable in what we know. The words we speak to ourselves have immense power as they are the reality that we live and the actions we take. We have the greatest choice to change our lives and our mindset.

Make the escape. Taking the first step takes us onto the path of freedom. We often see reaching a goal as something that will take enormous effort. Wood mentions the importance of being specific about what you want to change. It can seem daunting and unreachable if our goals are broad and feel distant in the future. When making the escape there will always be a fear that we’ll need to confront. Making the escape means that we take those small steps that make a difference and listen to our ‘authentic voice’.

Fight for your freedom. What do you spend your time doing? How do you speak to yourself? What are your values? The greatest battle is often the one within yourself. The thoughts you tell yourself are often the first barrier you will face. Overcoming those inner battles comes with self-discipline and self-control. Wood says “self-discipline requires practice, and the more you practice, the more naturally it comes to you […] they are developed through practice and application. They’re just like muscles.”

Living Free. “Freedom is a journey, not an event” as Wood shares an analogy about fitness. You don’t exercise and immediately stay fit. It requires ongoing effort. Living in freedom isn’t a quick fix that brings us momentary happiness. It’s gaining strength and resilience to face life’s challenges and to live as your authentic self. Wood says the four areas to develop emotional fitness are your relationships, your thinking, looking after yourself physiologically, and your environment.

What’s the mental prison that you create for yourself?

Art by Becca Stadtlander
The Art Of Slow Reading

Your eyes skim across the pages of the book from left to right racing towards the finish line in anticipation. You feel a wave of excitement discovering what happens next as you determinedly read quickly through the book. There’s a great sense of accomplishment that comes from finishing a book, but ultimately reading is about quality, not quantity. If we are able to read a book and absorb the wisdom, lessons and knowledge while applying it in our own lives, then that’s one of the most rewarding things in life.

Remember when you were a child listening attentively to a storybook and the excitement of hearing what happens. There’s a great sense of presence, visualisation, engagement and empathy towards the characters. The story is read at a steady pace as we listen to the different tones and tempo of the story. There’s a simple joy in reading as we’re taken on a journey with the characters while being transported into an entirely new world.

We are often rushing through time which can make us lose sense of the present. Fast reading can come in handy as a skill and it’s incredibly prevalent in our daily lives. For example, when you’re reading a news article, watching subtitles on the television or when you’re looking through a document you will naturally look for keywords and information at a glance. However, when it comes to reading a book, the best kind is when we are able to engage with the story we’re reading and deeply listen and connect with it.

Art by Monica Barengo
The Importance Of Doing Nothing

In a heavily switched-on world, it can feel like there’s no pause button. Our phones have become an extension of us most noticeably since the pandemic. The nature of unpredictability has become increasingly more transparent. We live in a society that values busyness and judges the idea of rest by perceiving it as lazy. In the article How to rest well by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang, he states that “The world tells us: Work is important; we need to reply: Rest is important too.“

Time for reflecting. Sitting down to clear your mind and think about things and write thoughts down can give you space to reflect. What are the lessons you’ve learned? What are the parts of you that have grown? What challenges have you faced? What are the gains you’ve experienced? How would you like to change? There have been an immense amount of lessons learned in the past year, and taking time to reflect on them can help you think about how you’d like to implement them into your life.

Switching off. The amount of time spent using my phone has heavily increased. I’ve been especially grateful that we are able to connect with our loved ones but I find reading the news can be overwhelming as it can be filled with negativity. Taking time to switch off can help clear our minds and give us some quiet from all the noise while enjoying the present moment.

Reconnecting with your soul. Rest gives you time to be alone in your mind and body. When you can rest you allow yourself to sit with your own thoughts. When we’re always interacting in the world, it’s easy to go along with what everyone else is doing. In the past year, I’ve felt burnt out at times, and only recently I have accepted how important it is to truly rest and do nothing. Time alone gives us space to be creative, curious, mindful, and aware of our surroundings.

Space to heal. The world feels like it’s becoming an increasingly divided place, but my greatest prayer is that we find deeper connections and openness through our collective struggles. When we spend time without a full calendar and we take time to care for ourselves, we give ourselves space to reflect, rest, connect and heal. The absence of distractions can make us look at ourselves inside and out.

What we value. What is most important to you in your life? What makes you truly happy? What do you enjoy doing? What are your personal values? Every person’s values can be different and living by our values can make us feel more grounded and connected to ourselves. Our values can be impacted by the experiences we’ve had in our lives, our personalities, and how we experience the world.

How do you spend your time doing nothing?

Art by Kate Pugsley