Clothing is one of the largest polluters in the world and much of the clothing worn and unworn end up in landfills. When I think of why we end up buying excess clothing it makes me think of the quote by Dave Ramsey: ‘We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.’ We are told by advertising and media to buy more in order to attain a certain kind of lifestyle or to be perceived a certain way. It’s more valuable to embrace your own personal style and wear clothing that will be worn throughout the years.
Both fast fashion and luxury brands produce clothing that have been made by children or women in poor working environments and are paid a miniscule amount. Those who create these products are barely paid enough whereas the corporations earn hundreds of millions of dollars. We don’t need so much in this world to be content, however, the increasing amount of dissatisfaction is from the false belief that we need more things to feel fulfilled and accepted.
We live in a world of excess production and consumption of materials, where much more care is often put towards appearances and money rather than how we treat others and our environment. In the past year, I’ve began selling and donating things I no longer wear or use. I realised we don’t regularly wear the clothes in our wardrobe. If I left the house on a chilly day I’d put on the same rain coat. Fashion allows us to express our own sense of style. It becomes a part of our identity but it shouldn’t have to cost the earth.
Going to church every Sunday began when I was younger up until my early twenties. The recent news about Hillsong and Arise church this year sparked memories from my own experiences of growing up going to church. I’d previously attended Hillsong when I lived in Sydney and attended Arise church in NZ a few years ago.
1) Judgment and gossip. It hurts to feel judged and gossiped about. I recall attending a Chinese church growing up where they gossiped about my family once my parents divorced. It was damaging to hear different things being said or adults asking me questions about my family and our personal lives.
2) Superficiality and hypocrisy. When I attended Hillsong and Arise I found that image was very important. I noticed people were always smiling, and those who were on the stage were often wearing designer clothes. It felt superficial and fake at times. There was fake niceness but a lack of genuine kindness. I also questioned the level of transparency and honesty and actions that felt like a lot of hypocrisy.
3) Lack of mental health awareness. There was this idea that God should be able to help you through your mental health journey. I believe faith is important and trusting in God’s plan, but I also think it’s important to have a level of compassion and action to help people. I observed that mental health is often unacknowledged in many churches.
4) Friendships in churches. There was sometimes a sense of pressure to participate in groups, go to bible study, and volunteer. What I often found was when I left church and groups, most people cut ties and don’t contact you or respond to you anymore. It feels like it’s a transactional friendship that relies on going to church. People would often greet you but there was no deeper interactions.
5) Tithing and church as a business. When I attended Hillsong there was an emphasis on tithing. There was also this feeling of guilt if one didn’t tithe. At the end of the day, the church is a business. I remember the last time I went, I realized how it felt extremely commercialized and I could tell there was a lot of money that goes towards the pastors and marketing. I felt a deep disconnect.
6) Bible study group cult experience. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that people will take advantage of others’ vulnerabilities. During a period of my life when I felt immensely vulnerable, I was looking to make friends and they encouraged me to join a bible study group. This began as a weekly bible group at a friend’s house. Further down the line, there was the encouragement to join a bible course.
The course was for 6 months but there were elements that didn’t feel right from the beginning. They encouraged me to cut down on work shifts while I was studying, which I refused. When I was taking time off to go see family, they asked me to consider not going as it was important to commit to the group. There was also a strange aspect of secrecy. Don’t tell anyone you are attending this group and don’t take your notebook home.
I ended up sharing with my family and flatmate and was grateful that I left within 1.5 months. The friends I made that I genuinely valued spending time with cut ties with me altogether and would later ignore any form of contact. This experience taught me about how it is so easy for people to take advantage of you during a vulnerable period.
7) Church wasn’t aligning with all my values. I believe God loves and accept every person. It’s not right to tell anyone they should be this or that. There’s also arrogance in some churches where they believe if you are Christian you are better than other people and other religions. I recall a sermon where they talked about Buddhism and were implying that it’s less than Christianity.
I still pray and believe in God but I stopped going to church a few years ago. There are aspects of how some churches are run that need to change. Love is accepting anyone with open arms no matter who they are. Love is shown through actions. A sense of feeling lost and isolated was one of the reasons I attended church. I wanted a sense of connection but often felt even more isolated.
What were your experiences of going to church like?
Do you remember the first time you saw a music performance? I remember watching The Phantom of the Opera and I immediately fell in love with it. As a child, I’d play piano music out loud and dance around the house, listen to tapes for hours, and watch musicals and orchestral performances dreaming of being a musician. At school, we had the opportunity to try different instruments and I remember playing the recorder. I enjoyed reading the notes on the page and playing some simple pieces. Soon, I would say goodbye to my recorder and start playing the flute.
I feel a deep sense of peace writing this as it’s been something on my heart for many years. I spent a lot of time and dedication to music each and every day. I remember playing in jazz band, flute choirs, orchestras, completing examinations, participating in competitions and workshops, playing in concerts, busking, piano accompaniment, and music teaching. Attending music lessons each week for piano, flute, singing and music theory. Gaining wisdom and knowledge from my music teachers. The digital piano that I played on as we couldn’t afford an acoustic one.
One day I applied for a scholarship to have a free piano for a year, I remember it was a beautiful dark mahogany Boston piano with the most beautiful sound. I’d spend the day playing on the acoustic piano and the night with my headphones playing the digital piano. I was extremely hard on myself and would often doubt myself or have a level of perfectionism that made me feel frustrated at times. I loved music though, how I could work on something again and again and express my heart and soul. I often struggled to vocally express myself and music breaks all boundaries as it is the language that anyone can feel and understand.
When I was fourteen I was very determined to go to university to study music and become a music teacher and orchestral musician. At sixteen I left home and studied at the School of Music in NZ for a Bachelor of Music in classical performance on the flute. I was a very passionate soul who was entirely obsessive about music and saw it as my life. The first year of music was exciting but sadly became very tough on my mental health. I remember feeling depressed and suicidal. It was difficult.
During the second year, I dropped out at the end of the year with just one year to go. I was 18 at the time and struggling with my mental health and questioning what exactly did I want to do. Everyone was surprised and so many people said why are you giving up? I didn’t like to feel I was giving up at the time. I felt I disappointed those who believed in me, through all the hard work and energy, and enthusiasm I put through. It sounds dramatic, but a part of me after letting go of music for so many years felt that there was something missing within me.
Music has always been a way to express my soul. When you may struggle to find the words to completely express what’s within you can express this through music or any other form be it painting, dancing, singing, or writing. This year I started playing the piano again, which has been incredibly healing. Music is something that always stays with you. The greatest joy this time was that it felt like I was doing it completely for myself, not to please anyone, not for any acceptance. Music brings a sense of peace, presence, and joy and connects us to our inner world and the world outside. A world without music is unimaginable.
What instrument(s) do you play?What instrument would you like to play?
I feel a little scared to write this. I was around twelve when I started weighing myself on the scales. I ran in the morning before school, and straight after school when I got home. I drank a lot of water and I ate as much as I liked because my metabolism was a skyrocket. When I left home at sixteen, I developed signs of an eating disorder. I would skip meals, exercise a lot, eat slowly, document what I was eating, weigh myself several times a day, obsess over my BMI and drink a lot of water to feel full. I had depression, anxiety and a fear of gaining weight.
When you grow up with people telling you that you’re skinny and that it’s said as a compliment, there is this pressure that stays inside your mind to maintain that body image. However, now that I’m in my twenties, my body is naturally changing. My metabolism isn’t what it used to be, and I feel more aware of eating healthy and having an active lifestyle. The beauty standard in Asia is to be very petite, but our bodies are all made differently. After many years of struggling with my weight, I feel the healthiest and happiest now. Surround yourself with people who love and support you, do the things that you enjoy and feed your mind with positive words.
There are days where I still struggle, but I know it’s not my true self. The true voice in myself says that your self-worth comes from who you are as a person, and it has nothing to do with the number on the scales. I don’t want to be defined by my weight, but by what I can bring into the world. The title really speaks about my teenage years. In the past, I went through a period where I was feeling a lot of hatred towards myself. I felt not worthy, and there was an overwhelming amount of worry and fear taking over my life. I felt like even though I was stressed, I could control my weight and what I ate. It’s not healthy, because then you end up neglecting your body.
I was 18 when I was living in Sydney in 2015, and it was a time where I really struggled with my body image. I remember gymming more and watching what I was eating. There was fear and insecurity during that period of my life. I felt incredibly lost. My anxiety was crippling at that time, and I really isolated myself. I was regularly going to the doctor and the hospital, and had a lot of health issues. When it comes to eating, I used to feel quite conscious at times when eating a meal in front of people, unless it’s those I’m very close to.
Our bodies are beautiful, sacred, precious and wonderful things that keep us moving, breathing and living life. I do think that it can be damaging if one compliments too much on a persons body size. When you grow up from a child being told that you’re so skinny and that it’s said as a compliment, it’s something that can really stay entrenched in your mind as you grow older. I know that my value lies in my heart, yet there are days where I stare in the mirror and feel a sudden fear of gaining any weight. It all starts in the mind. A persons weight can fluctuate when dealing with stress, anxiety, and depression.
Everyone has insecurities. We all have something inside and out that we’re conscious of. When I think about where I was previously, it was during a period where I was unhappy, and I felt like I wasn’t skinny enough (which was when I was the lightest). I rarely ate in the dining area in a previous flat a few years ago, because I literally didn’t want my flatmates to see me eating. It’s really been this year, where I’ve felt safe in eating in the dining area. It seems like something so small, but it’s a huge change. Since leaving home, there have been periods where I didn’t eat well. When I had feelings of stress, I felt like I didn’t have any appetite.
We often don’t emphasize it enough, but your health is truly your wealth. Without your health, you wouldn’t be able to wake up and conquer the day. You wouldn’t be able to experience this beautiful life. When I didn’t have a healthy mind, it started to affect my body and I felt weak, unmotivated and a loss of energy. It was during that time where I suffered from panic attacks and had very deep depression. Our thoughts are so powerful. When I started being more present, thinking positively and accepting myself as I am, I really felt set free from the cage I’d built inside my mind.
I’ve read so many stories about those who showed warning signs of anorexia, and during those periods where they were the lowest weight, was when they were the unhappiest. Being skinny won’t make you happy. It’s embracing where you are, right here, right now. Accepting yourself as you are. Being grateful for everything that your body has done for you. Being thankful for good health and waking up to a new day. Treating yourself with kindness, love and positive self-talk. I am at the healthiest weight this year. I feel the most energy and happiness this year.
There were feelings of not being good enough. After really surrounding myself with amazing people and being kinder to myself, I feel an overwhelming sense of peace. If you can’t love yourself first, how will you attract the right people into your life? Our life experiences can affect us deeply in how we see the world. But, I really think that we can all heal from hurt, even when it seems impossible. It’s really the simple things in life that give us the greatest joy. We have to come from a place of not judging others because everyone has and is going through something. It’s easy to see things on the surface and believe what we see. The most healing comes from the periods of silence. I really believe that time heals.
One of the biggest blessings is surrounding yourself with people who are uplifting, encouraging, motivating, positive and caring. They bring the best out of you. The people we surround ourselves with are important. Our bodies are a blessing. It’s important to refrain from commenting on someone’s body. I can’t emphasize how much it can have an impact on them. I really believe we have to remind ourselves that we are enough as we are. We truly live in such a visual world. People will constantly judge others based on their appearances, and it’s inescapable that the first impression we have of someone often comes from their physical appearances. But, we have to go beyond the surface and remember that every person we care about, we couldn’t care less about what they look like. I really hope if you are on a journey of healing and having a healthy relationship with your body, that you will realize how beautifully made you are.
When you go through a stressful period in your life or a hard season, know that there are people who care about you. I know that when I went through depression, I often felt like nobody cared and that there wasn’t a way out. But, there are so many people who love you, and often the first step is reaching out to others. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to talk about these things. Those who matter in our lives, are the ones who won’t judge you for your experiences. When I’m reminding myself of what’s important in life, I like to think of the words from The Little Prince: Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. If you are reading this and going through a hard time, know that wherever you are in your lifeyou are enough.
Tien-Jen 