Books – Tien-Jen

The Courage To Be Disliked

No one is thinking about you, nor are you thinking about them. That’s the magic of it: everyone is focusing on their own lives. I’ve often experienced intense social anxiety, but the reminder that most people are busy preoccupied with themselves is a massive relief. Social anxiety tricks you into believing that people are judging everything you do or say, when in reality, most people aren’t paying much attention. We create the mental chains that hold us back and stop us from living freely and authentically.

The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is a Japanese book that follows a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man. The philosopher draws concepts from Adlerian psychology and explores how we can live more meaningful lives. Most people have a deep desire to be accepted, validated and liked. The book shows that true freedom and content comes from letting go of the need to be liked. When we crave approval, we act in ways that are socially acceptable rather than authentic. The truth is, some people will like us and some won’t, and that’s not in our control.

Everyone has their own tasks. Everyone is responsible for their own tasks in life. We cannot control or change others, but we can focus on what is within our own power. True change comes from taking ownership of ones own action and mindset. The book shares the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.“

Everyone is different but equal. Each person has a unique background from their life experiences, culture, upbringing, and personality. This reminded me of something a close friend said to me, that “despite everyone being different, we are more alike than we are different.” At the end of the day, we’re all human, sharing this life, roaming the vast universe together.

The only moment that exists is the present. The only moment we have is right here, right now. You are not bound by your past or defined by what has happened to you. In every moment, you have the ability to choose. We can often restrict our own growth by dwelling on past traumas, upbringing and memories. Adlerian psychology believes that you can change at any moment. Many people avoid change or taking action because they fear how others might react.

People are our comrades, not our enemy. No one is against you except for the voice in your mind that convinces you that they are. There is no need to compare yourself to others, feel envy, or believe you are inferior. When we choose to see the good in others, and approach them with trust, it brings a deeper sense of connection and meaning to our lives. No one is beneath you and no one is above you.

Do not seek recognition. This one was a tricky one to digest, because naturally people are encouraged and motivated by positive feedback and praise. However, if we constantly seek recognition from others, we can’t experience true fulfillment within ourselves. We end up needing validation to fill our cup, when the reality is that we are already worthy just as we are, simply for existing.

Stop caring what other people think. Caring about what others think limits us from living the life we truly want. When we seek validation from others, we lose touch with our true selves. True freedom is letting go of caring about what other people think. Living for approval traps us in anxiety, expectations and inauthenticity. The book reminds us that “You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations.” When we care too much what others think, it can lead to inaction and self-doubt.

All problems are interpersonal problems. The connections we have with people can bring the greatest joy in our lives. However, they can also be the source of much of our suffering. Even in the moments where we’re alone, our mind is making connections with others. We can resolve this by choosing to trust others, cultivate a sense of belonging within a community, taking responsibility for our own actions, and embracing the courage to be disliked, the courage to change and the courage to be happy.

Art by Kelly Beeman

July 12, 2025

Adlerian Psychology, book review, Books, Books, Life, reading, The Courage to be Disliked, writing
The Cat Who Saved Books

Ritaro is the shy young protagonist in the book who rarely goes to school or socialises. He recently loses his grandfather and inherits his old bookstore and is met with overwhelming grief. Shortly after, a talking cat called Tiger appears and Ritaro enters four labyrinths where he discovers the ways books have been mistreated. Throughout the book, the wisdom that his grandfather has imparted onto him gives him courage to speak what’s in his heart. ‘Books have tremendous power. But take care. It’s the book that holds the power, not you.’

The adventures he goes on allows him to become more himself while working through grief and making new friends. He convinces those mistreating the books to stop by reminding them the true meaning of books. Near the end of the book, he says ‘Books teach us how to care about others.’ He begins to foster more empathy and compassion and begins to open up more. It’s a book filled with adventure, friendship, hope, courage and wisdom.

Here is a Chinese idiom I recently learned 學無止境 Xué wú zhǐjìng. It means there is no end to learning. There’s always something new to learn and knowledge is boundless. The book by Sōsuke Natsukawa really expresses this sentiment. Books remind us that we are always never-ending learning and there is always something new to discover, understand, improve and learn.

‘Books are filled with human thoughts and feelings. People suffering, people who are sad or happy, laughing with joy. By reading their words and their stories, by experiencing them together, we learn about the hearts and minds of others people besides ourselves. Thanks to books, it’s possible to learn not only about the people around us everyday, but people living in totally different worlds.’

Art by Liekeland

June 1, 2024

Books, Cat, Sōsuke Natsukawa
How To Escape From Prison

Discovering that I had a mental illness was eye-opening and brought clarity to the lens I had spent seeing the world throughout my life. The greatest freedom is making the decision to change even though it’s terrifying and confronting as hell. The truth is you are not powerless and you deserve to live a life feeling fulfilled. This is something I’m still learning to see. There’s a stigma still associated with mental health that can make it difficult to speak about it in a transparent way because there’s a fear of being judged, treated differently, and misunderstood. It can increase feelings of isolation in our experience, despite it being one of the most collectively shared experiences.

In the book How to Escape from Prison by Dr Paul Wood he shares his memoir of his own experience in prison. The book was inspiring, raw and honest and it speaks from the heart and tells us that you can turn your life around no matter what false narrative you’ve believed in throughout your life. It was extremely touching and incredibly inspiring to know that change is always possible no matter what has happened throughout your life. You can overcome your inner demons and take control of your life. In the second section of the book, Wood talks about the Five Steps of Freedom.

Five Steps to Freedom

You were born free. We were born free. During our childhood we spent time running around, playing and laughing without creating self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. We wouldn’t overthink things and we lived in the present moment. As we get older our identity can feel distorted and we can feel lost in how we see ourselves and we can create limitations within ourselves. We create a birdcage that we enclose ourselves in despite having the key within us all this time.

Choosing to break out of your mental prison. We all have a choice in how we perceive something and what we act upon. When we make the conscious choice to break out of our mental prison, we acknowledge those thoughts and beliefs that have been holding us back. It takes a lot of courage to break out of our mental prison because it’s far easier to be comfortable in what we know. The words we speak to ourselves have immense power as they are the reality that we live and the actions we take. We have the greatest choice to change our lives and our mindset.

Make the escape. Taking the first step takes us onto the path of freedom. We often see reaching a goal as something that will take enormous effort. Wood mentions the importance of being specific about what you want to change. It can seem daunting and unreachable if our goals are broad and feel distant in the future. When making the escape there will always be a fear that we’ll need to confront. Making the escape means that we take those small steps that make a difference and listen to our ‘authentic voice’.

Fight for your freedom. What do you spend your time doing? How do you speak to yourself? What are your values? The greatest battle is often the one within yourself. The thoughts you tell yourself are often the first barrier you will face. Overcoming those inner battles comes with self-discipline and self-control. Wood says “self-discipline requires practice, and the more you practice, the more naturally it comes to you […] they are developed through practice and application. They’re just like muscles.”

Living Free. “Freedom is a journey, not an event” as Wood shares an analogy about fitness. You don’t exercise and immediately stay fit. It requires ongoing effort. Living in freedom isn’t a quick fix that brings us momentary happiness. It’s gaining strength and resilience to face life’s challenges and to live as your authentic self. Wood says the four areas to develop emotional fitness are your relationships, your thinking, looking after yourself physiologically, and your environment.

What’s the mental prison that you create for yourself?

Art by Becca Stadtlander

April 5, 2022

Books, Dr Paul Wood, mental health, mental illness, Mental Prison, prison
The Art Of Slow Reading

Your eyes skim across the pages of the book from left to right racing towards the finish line in anticipation. You feel a wave of excitement discovering what happens next as you determinedly read quickly through the book. There’s a great sense of accomplishment that comes from finishing a book, but ultimately reading is about quality, not quantity. If we are able to read a book and absorb the wisdom, lessons and knowledge while applying it in our own lives, then that’s one of the most rewarding things in life.

Remember when you were a child listening attentively to a storybook and the excitement of hearing what happens. There’s a great sense of presence, visualisation, engagement and empathy towards the characters. The story is read at a steady pace as we listen to the different tones and tempo of the story. There’s a simple joy in reading as we’re taken on a journey with the characters while being transported into an entirely new world.

We are often rushing through time which can make us lose sense of the present. Fast reading can come in handy as a skill and it’s incredibly prevalent in our daily lives. For example, when you’re reading a news article, watching subtitles on the television or when you’re looking through a document you will naturally look for keywords and information at a glance. However, when it comes to reading a book, the best kind is when we are able to engage with the story we’re reading and deeply listen and connect with it.

Art by Monica Barengo

January 18, 2022

art, Books, reading, slow reading
The Handbook for Highly Sensitive People

Humans are wired to connect and to have authentic conversations. Being sensitive, empathetic and vulnerable are traits that allow us to truly connect with people. A highly sensitive person (HSP) experiences the world through a heightened way through high sensory experiences. This may be through crowded places, strong scents or loud noises. It is said by the clinical psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron that 15-20% of the population are HSPs. HSPs process and feel emotions more deeply than others and they are highly empathic and tend to have rich inner lives. The emotions they may feel are very deep whether that may be positive or negative.

Growing up as a classical musician, I was deeply moved by music during a performance, a painting in an art gallery, reading a book or watching a movie. Taking actions such as surrounding myself in nature, sitting at a library or taking time to pray or meditate would bring peace and calm. Discovering that I am an HSP explained so many factors from my childhood, career and the unexplainable feeling that there was something wrong with me. The act of practicing loving yourself and being gentle with yourself is one of the most kindest and lifechanging things you can do for yourself.

I recently read The Handbook for Highly Sensitive People by Mel Collins, and felt touched by a lot of the ways she describes the experiences that HSP’s have during their lifetime. The book is separated into three sections. The first section expands on the term HSP. This includes the definition of an HSP, the Environmental and sensory triggers and the challenges HSP face. The second section looks at different strategies through processing emotions, practicing self-love and tapping. The third section talks about the spiritual perspective from exploring our past lives and maintaining inner balance.

The book is a great introduction for those who want to have a better understanding of being an HSP. The book reminds you that you are not alone in this journey, as it invites HSPs to recognize their strengths rather than look at themselves as flawed. Collins expands on the top ten challenges faced by HSP’s. These include being empathic sponges, deep emotional sensitivity, a feeling of not belonging, a difficult childhood, self-esteem and self-worth issues, relationship struggles , health issues, difficulty accepting the ‘inner darkness’, parenting parents or other family members and feeling unfulfilled.

Being empathic sponges can be draining due to the HSPs being kind-hearted and highly empathic by nature. When surrounded in a negative environment it can leave them feeling over-stimulated. Collins says that “HSPs often feel a need to withdraw from the outside world to release the energies absorbed and to recharge.” Deep emotional sensitivity is felt through the positive (joy, kindness and love) and negative emotions (guilt, shame, fear, hurt, loss, unworthiness, jealousy, anger and feelings of betrayal). A feeling of not belonging can start from a young age particularly for those who have experienced a difficult childhood.

Self-esteem and self-worth issues may arise due to the HSPs sensitive nature being criticized or judged from a young age, causing shame and embarrassment because of it. Relationship struggles can be common for HSPs such as nurturing friendships, as they are natural givers and good listeners. This can attract the friendship patterns that are one-sided. Health issues can be a problem as HSPs are extremely sensitive to pain. For example, they may experience disorders such as chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia or insomnia.

Difficulty accepting the ‘inner darkness’ is a common trait for many HSPs. HSPs tend to be kind-hearted people who want to be good to others. Collins states that “They often have difficulty accepting what is viewed as the ‘darker’ side of themselves. This can lead to them suppressing what they see as their more negative emotions.” The words Collins adds rings true “whatever you resist persists.” It’s important to find healthy and safe ways to release any suppressed emotions.

HSPs can grow up taking the role of the parent subconsciously. This is common for HSPs whose parents were emotionally unavailable. The final challenge Collins states is feeling unfulfilled. Collins states that “In my experience working with HSPs, many have a strong drive to feel they are making a difference in the world. As a result, many believe that if they don’t feel fulfilled in this way, they are in the wrong career.” Many may find that there is a long period where they may spend searching for what they are ‘supposed’ to be doing. However, she says that “In reality, however, any job has the capacity to reflect an aspect of themselves or meet an inner need […] Every job can be viewed in this way if you make a choice to do so – as a stepping stone towards a more fulfilling purpose.”

For many HSPs it can feel like you are spending a lifetime finding your purpose and understanding the depth and complexities of your emotions. Embracing your inner self and accepting that you feel deep emotions will free you from the chains. The pain was only extended through the deep fear of judgment and rejection for how I was feeling. Taking steps and finding specific ways that help you with your feelings is an important step to healing. I really hope in writing this, that it can help even one HSP know that you are not alone. I spent many years with depression and anxiety. I found methods such as meditating, praying, journaling, walking, being in nature and self-havening incredibly healing in the moments where I’ve felt helpless or overwhelmed.

Your sensitivity is your superpower. The ability to empathise towards others and deeply connect to animals, nature, music and the arts is a gift. The search for meaningful connections means that you give your all or nothing in friendships and relationships. Sensitivity is both a blessing and a challenge, but sensitivity is a strength, not a weakness. We live in a world that tells us that we need to be a certain way, but when we acknowledge the strength of being sensitive, it opens the door to understanding. The characteristics that you may have not seen as worthy are the very aspects that make you beautiful.

“By becoming conscious of what it is in the ‘darkness’ or ‘shadow, you are shining light into the darkness and encouraging it to dissolve.” – Mel Collins

Art by Kate Pugsley

March 1, 2021

book, Books, highly sensitive people, highly sensitive person, HSP, Mel Collins
Why We Should Read More Books

The magic of reading is that it allows you to expand your mind, use your imagination and learn something new. It helps you gain a new perspective, go on adventures and leave your comfort zone. Reading brings emotions, thoughts, and ideas to ponder on. Books were a special part of my childhood, from the bedtime stories, trips to the library and getting lost in another world. When I was younger, there were shelves of books and magazines at home. We had many National Geographic magazines, all the way from the 1980’s, and I liked to sit on the floor and read them. On the shelves were classics from Anne Frank’s Diary, The Call of the Wild, The Little Prince, Jane Eyre, Animal Farm and The Catcher in the Rye.

During high school, I went through a stage where I read a lot of books by Jane Austen and Shakespeare. Reading teaches us the virtue of patience, empathy, loyalty, kindness, humility, courage, respect and so forth. There are characters that go through a journey that we’re invited to go along with. I’ve found reading to be really helpful in improving one’s writing, even though I’m still working on my grammar. Every author has their own style of writing, and it’s good to be exposed to different styles. Writing is therapeutic, but reading relaxes the mind. It allows you to truly stay in the present, reading each word as it comes, yet being able to completely escape into somewhere else in your imagination.

Books require us to use our imagination. It creates a quiet space, which is important to have during the day. I also find that reading before going to sleep can really help with falling asleep quicker, and also the exposure to less screen time. When I use digital technology at night time, I find my mind is more active, but when I read more at night, the mind tends to be more relaxed. We can learn something new from the characters and stories. A lot of new words I’ve picked up over the years are from reading, whether it’s from a fiction book, textbook, magazine or online article. When we read it stimulates our brain, and it also helps us to momentarily focus on something else.

I’ve found this to be very healing, as it’s helped so much in lessening my anxiety. Anxiety is created when we place too much focus on ourselves and create worry in our mind. Reading fills our mind with different stories, and we can gain more perspective on life. It’s also a great way to connect with someone if you’ve both read the same book, and you can talk about the story, ideas, and characters. The best thing about books is that there is something for everyone, because of the endless amount of genres. Have you ever felt that books tend to be more colourful in your mind, compared to when you see a movie version? Although there may be exceptions to some films, I’ve always found that the books are always more detailed and graphic in the mind. Our imagination is so powerful.

Reading helps to improve your memory and ability to focus. It requires attention in order to know what’s happening, and your memory improves as you follow along each chapter. When you read, it’s a process of focusing on the page. I find that if we use our digital devices, it’s easier to get distracted because of the different functions. However, a book just requires us to read each page to the next. Enjoying the simple joys in life is one of the ultimate reasons to read more. I still like to read picture books sometimes when I go to the bookstore or sit in the library. I don’t think you’re ever too old to read children books, or too young to read a long fiction novel if you want to. Reading is a wonderful hobby to have and it’s a great way to fill the free time during the day.

What are some of your favourite books?

August 6, 2018

Books, Books, read, reading
The Beauty Of Walking Long Distances

I recently finished reading a book called A Philosophy of Walking by Frédéric Gros. It was such a beautiful read. It was a peaceful feeling walking to the rose gardens the other day, knowing I’d read a book about walking! If you have ever read Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice or watched Keira Knightley in the film adaptation, then you may appreciate Elizabeth Bennet’s love of walking. There’s such a sense of pure satisfaction of soaking in the morning sunlight, cool air and nature around oneself. The feeling of being another stranger in the crowd, going on an adventure or getting lost and discovering a new place.

The beauty of growing up in the country side is that walking is a daily joy. Your senses thank you for the breath of fresh air, birds singing, rolling green hills and the feeling of gravel and grass under your soles. If there are any places within walking distance of half an hour in the city, I prefer to walk instead of taking the bus or train. I was walking in the art gallery the other day, and it was one of the most therapeutic and simple things that brought so much enjoyment. The feeling of being surrounded by nature, art and books is some of the little joys in life.

Have you ever noticed if you’ve ever had a terrible day, walking seems to allow your mind to think with more clarity or just let the stress lessen even just a little? In that moment, you don’t feel completely stuck in your mind enclosed in your room, but the world around you reminds you that you’re not completely alone. Walking is good for your body, soul and your existence. It gives a sense of purpose, meaning and peace in ones life. The simple act of moving one foot in front of the other, sets our mind free. It opens us to see the world. Many writers venture out into the world to experience, before being fully absorbed into writing parts of a novel.

There is time for reflections, thoughts, ideas and imagination to run wild. Walking relieves the heavy weight of anxiety or emotional pain. Gros talks about how there are those who walk for a short period of time during the day as a boost, while others walk for hours and hours. The feeling of walking to a destination, such as the library, art gallery or park always fills me with a sense of small purpose. It may sound unimportant to another, but as I set out on the journey to the place, it makes me feel rewarded once I arrive. When we walk, we are just another being walking on this Earth. It’s a gentle reminder of the importance of solitude.

I remember as a child, walking was like play in the way that you’d feel excited when you arrive somewhere, see something new or meet someone. The curiosity, adventure and journey was rewarding. In a world where there is a fixation on fitness, walking is often overlooked, when it has endless benefits for our overall well being. Taking the action to walk out the door for a walk is necessary in a life where we create complexities. The simplicity of walking reminds us that it’s always the little things. It makes one not become so attached to their own troubles in life. It lets us observe the strangers walking past us, and remind ourselves that everyone’s lives are on a different path.

We have a wider perspective, a sense of renewed energy and a calmer self when we go outdoors for a walk. When we walk, we are reminded to take it easy and enjoy life at a steady pace, rather than rushing through it. In the words of Shakespeare, All the World’s a Stage, we can be anyone when we walk. There isn’t an attachment to identity, and therefore we ignore any titles or labels of ourselves. It’s one of the most natural things we can possibly do, starting from the moment we learn to walk as a baby.

We have all the space, time and possibilities. You are the only one who can take those steps to where ever you’re headed to. No one else can walk them for you. There’s awareness, presence and discovery into the unknown or a familiar environment. Repetition in walking can be a comforting motion. It can be a way of escaping or a way of understanding. That is why walking is such an essential part of our lives. We are blessed to have these two legs that can take us around the world, and even just in the streets of our hometown.

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

February 6, 2017

Books, frederic gros, philosophy, walking
What The Little Prince Taught Me

Growing up, you may of read The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. As I was sitting in a cafe called Woolloomooloo in Taipei last year with my dear friend, she told me how she was reading the book. It brought back a lot of memories of the book, and as one of those classics that have been read time and time again, I was curious to watch the film which came out in 2015. There are rarely books and movies (with the exception of Harry Potter), where I felt like I loved both of them. The film magically intertwined The Little Prince with the story of a young girl. The most important message I felt was the power of imagination. The wonderful joy, love, happiness and excitement it brings. New adventures and a boundless mind. The water colour paintings, wise words and wonderful story is really a reminder for us that we were all once children. “All grown ups were children once… but only few of them remember it.” – Saint-Exupéry.

When you were younger, did you remember asking endless questions out of curiosity, going on adventures of make believe, having your first imaginary friend and laughing uncontrollably about nothing. Whatever it was, a part of growing up can often suppress many parts of our childhood self, that so often is a crucial part of us to carry within us for the rest of our lives. Human nature can only survive by reaching for what is within, rather than what is without. As we grow older, there are many parts of our surroundings we only look at from the surface. The book shows the little prince, being amazed at the drawing of an elephant inside a boa constrictor, where as the adults can only see a hat. How mysterious we are inside. The secrets we hold, the words waiting to be unlocked and the way we think. When we grow older, it can become a habit to judge on a person’s exterior, rather than realising the journey they have come. The stories that are untold and the wonderful true self that they may partially hide. The Little Prince reminds us not to lose the goodness that is in all of us.

This book is a lot deeper than one may find, but it is also the kind of book you read and do not forget. There are many themes, such as friendship, human nature, truth, innocence, reality, imagination and so forth. We are reminded to be like the little prince in many ways. To hold onto our true selves, to seek from within rather than without and be an honest person. Pulling down the brick walls that can often be built as we grow older. Lessening the judgment of those that walk around us in our daily lives. Remembering to see the beauty and simplicity in the world, and most of all, cherish and nurture special relationships for every individual is a magical treasure of secrets.

“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” It could not be any truer. Everything that is truly beautiful, is always felt inside. I’d like to think that we can always encompass a child like imagination and see beyond the surface of our minds. Unfortunately we often assume, look and judge based on what is immediately seen. The Little Prince reminds us to have an open heart, open mind and to embrace our imagination, rather than let it go. If you get the chance, have a read of the book. If you were wondering what had happened to the elephant, he is still inside the boa constrictor.

January 22, 2016

Books, Film, the little prince