We are the author of our own journey, the painter of our own beautiful artwork and the composer of our own symphony. The internal voices that tell us we’re unlovable often begin in childhood. We can change the narrative and not let those words and voices deeply internalised within define us. Deeply loving oneself isn’t a selfish act, but a necessary human behaviour that we all need to survive. Loving yourself is the same as breathing. You need it to stay alive. When we don’t love ourselves, life often becomes sad, painful and full of torment.
Letting go of self-criticism. Those voices come and go like waves in the ocean or passing clouds in the sky. They are fleeting, yet in those moments when they’re there, they can feel real. The biggest demon is the one within. If we believed there was always a storm outside, we might forever stay inside the house and never step outside to feel the warmth of the sun. Self-criticism is like poison in our hearts, making us feel down and hopeless. Those voices aren’t true, and your feelings aren’t facts. You are a radiant soul who deserves to be spoken with words of love, compassion and kindness, the same way a mother gently speaks to her baby.
Changing the narrative. We can adjust and change the beliefs we have and the wiring of our brains. Those patterns don’t need to dictate our lives, and just because something happened in the past doesn’t mean it needs to exist in the present. You can rewrite your story, you can choose to do things differently, and shift the mindset that may have been restricting and limiting you. We can all speak to ourselves more the way we’d speak to a good friend, with encouragement, positivity, confidence, and faith.
Self-soothing your body. Trauma often shows up in the body. Moments of tension, shaking, crying, and fear can erupt in the body, even if you’re in no danger. It can take time for the body to feel safe. Our body needs love, comfort and self-soothing. You can give yourself a warm hug, massage your arms, lie down in a comfortable position, or practice self-havening, butterfly hugs, gentle tapping, taking a warm bath, listening to calming music, dancing freely or anything that allows your body to feel safe, relaxed and calm.
A true friend is a rare diamond. My sweet friend inspired me to write this article, as through the hard chapters of life (as we all have them), they have been encouraging and reminding me that what truly matters is to love ourselves, and remember that we deserve happiness. A true friend will be honest, loving, compassionate, caring and thoughtful. They genuinely want to understand you. The people we surround ourselves with are incredibly important. Surrounding ourselves with loving friends is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.
Embracing your heart. We are imperfect humans. We cry, we laugh, we feel everything from the moon to the sun. You are a worthy human being, just as you are. Forgive yourself and others, whatever it might be. You’re exactly who you’re meant to be and where you’re meant to be in this moment in time. Everything that has led to this moment has happened for a reason, and there are many lessons for us to learn from. These moments help us grow wiser, stronger, more resilient, kinder and more loving and accepting.
Practising self-compassion. Every morning when you look in the mirror, remind yourself how beautiful you are. It can be hard at the start, but the more you do it, the more that feeling of lightness and confidence injects into your spirit, and you start to believe it more and more each day. The voices we have in our minds can become increasingly replaced with loving affirmations and words of truth.
You deserve to be happy. Do more of what you enjoy. Do the things that give you joy. Do the things that make you laugh. Life is unpredictable, and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. We only have so much time in this life, and the moments spent crying in despair will keep us trapped in hell. Notice the small things, embrace the little moments, and have gratitude for everything. You deserve to feel peace, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to feel calm, you deserve to feel safe, you deserve it all.
Feeling the world deeply around you, having high sensitivity and being a gentle soul is one of your greatest strengths. We need more softness in this world, more grace, compassion, forgiveness, and peace. I’ve recently read the book Highly Sensitive People in an Insensitive World by Ilse Sand. Not all highly sensitive people are softspoken, yet there seems to be a connection between sensitivity and gentleness. While we live in a world that may not always accommodate highly sensitive people, there are ways for one to find strength and freedom in embracing your own softness.
Compassion for the little creatures. I find a lot of people who are soft have a deep love for animals. This is one of the greatest strengths to have, because compassion for other living beings is a sign of deep care and connection to the world. It’s a reminder that we are all connected in this world with all living beings, and we share this planet together. Appreciating and respecting the creatures we share this planet with encourages curiosity and kindness. When we try to put ourselves in their shoes, we to try to understand how they might be feeling.
Embracing your weirdness. For a long time, I believed that being soft or having a gentle voice was a flaw. I thought I would be more accepted if I wasn’t so soft, however, personality isn’t permanent. Sometimes you want to laugh loudly and sometimes you want to spend time alone quietly. We are constantly shifting, changing and no one can be fully defined. Your gut will always tell you the truth, and you can always feel when you’re really staying true to yourself or not. Embrace those parts of you that are a bit weird, and embrace the courage to be disliked.
Finding strength in your inner world. A colourful world runs within. It makes me think of a vast lake, where there is a hidden castle ruin deeply below the waters. The water glistens on the surface, and there is a beautiful world below with fishes swimming around, magnificent buildings and intricate sculptures. We all hold strength within ourselves greater than we know. Quiet strength is rooted in unwavering confidence and hope within oneself, acceptance of the things one cannot change and openness to wisdom and learning.
Long walks in nature. Highly sensitive people can experience sensory overload, emotional overwhelm and fatigue from absorbing others emotions. After walking in nature, I always feel a sense of renewed strength. I can face the day with a deeper sense of gratitude, a stronger connection with myself and others, and a greater sense of presence. Being in nature allows us to reflect, take one step at a time and enjoy the small things like listening to birdsong, the sound of the wind and breathing in the fresh air. It helps us to think freely and walk our worries away.
Finding creative expressions. When I feel low, it can sometimes feel like the ocean is crashing down and I feel it so deeply. When I feel content, it can feel pleasant and like the sun warmly shining inside. During intense periods, having a creative outlet, like dancing, writing, running, painting, playing an instrument or cooking can help pour those emotions somewhere safe. Self expression helps you stay present, reflect, reduce overwhelm, and spark new ideas.
Being mindful of others. When your nervous system is sensitive to internal and external stimuli, you notice those subtle moments where someone’s emotions shift, or how they might receive something. That sensitivity and mindfulness is important in building trust and empathy. Picking up details in one’s body language, eyes, tone and moments of hesitation, can help with determining what might be appropriate to say to the person.
Overcoming difficult periods. Be gentle with your heart. We all must overcome difficult things in life. Approaching those moments with softness, being calm and honest with oneself and building quiet resilience is like building a road gradually brick by brick, rather than trying to pave the path in a day and ending up with potholes. Speaking to yourself with gentleness like you would to a child is deeply healing. While we all need a little bit of tough love from time to time, we also need that gentle voice to guide, reassure and nurture us to be strong and grounded within.
Protect your energy. For those with high sensitivity, it’s easy to become drained in certain situations. I’ve experienced periods of feeling run down from work, constant interactions with negative people, and spending time in overstimulating environments. Learning to say no is incredibly powerful. Directing your energy to things that make you feel a sense of peace, rejuvenation and sparks your creativity is so important. Spending time alone allows you to recharge your batteries, and invest your energy in places that truly matter.
Deep meaningful connections. Surround yourself with calm, positive, supportive and uplifting people. Those who embrace your softness as a strength, and give you the space to be yourself. I was recently chatting with a friend who was sharing with me about the book they read called The Good Life by Robert Waldinger, which discusses one of the longest-running studies on happiness, health, and human well-being. Ultimately, the most important thing we have of all is the relationship we have with one another.
The healing power of music. Music calms the nervous system, releases tension, and expands our inner world. For many HSP, we feel the music resonate in our inner world playing on full volume within our hearts. My lovely piano friend recently shared this beautiful piano music with me. It evoked a lot of emotions within and felt like the music understood something within my soul that words can’t explain. I think many of us relate to this feeling. It’s why we listen to music, because it has a magical power of healing something within us.
I recently watched Joika a film based on a true story of Joy Womack, one of the first American woman to graduate from the Bolshoi Ballet. She goes through the gruelling process of extreme competitiveness, intense pressure and the need for mental resilience in the ballet world where perfection is often strived for. Beneath the pressures, and challenges, is a deep passion for dance. Comparison is inevitable in the art world, in most worlds to be fair, but most prevalent in the art world where perception of what is good is often subjective.
Comparing oneself to others or specific situations often leads to immediate dissatisfaction. When we compare with others it can lead to feelings of inadequacy. However, when we compare with ourselves, and focus on making progress within ourselves, it can be true motivator. There are times where the first can motivate us, when we see someone doing well in a certain area it might give us an extra push to go for what we’ve always wanted to. However, constant comparison can lead us astray from our own path. It makes us focus on others rather than ourselves.
Everyone is walking on their own journey in life, and they face their own challenges behind closed doors. We just don’t get to see those parts, because they tend to lie beneath the tip of the iceberg. Things are not always what they appear, and what looks desirable on the surface may have endured many struggles. Comparing yourself to who you were yesterday, admiring qualities in others that you would also like to adopt and practicing gratitude for what you already have helps in recognising that even through the pursuit of change and grow, you’re already enough.
No one is thinking about you, nor are you thinking about them. That’s the magic of it: everyone is focusing on their own lives. I’ve often experienced intense social anxiety, but the reminder that most people are busy preoccupied with themselves is a massive relief. Social anxiety tricks you into believing that people are judging everything you do or say, when in reality, most people aren’t paying much attention. We create the mental chains that hold us back and stop us from living freely and authentically.
The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is a Japanese book that follows a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man. The philosopher draws concepts from Adlerian psychology and explores how we can live more meaningful lives. Most people have a deep desire to be accepted, validated and liked. The book shows that true freedom and content comes from letting go of the need to be liked. When we crave approval, we act in ways that are socially acceptable rather than authentic. The truth is, some people will like us and some won’t, and that’s not in our control.
Everyone has their own tasks. Everyone is responsible for their own tasks in life. We cannot control or change others, but we can focus on what is within our own power. True change comes from taking ownership of ones own action and mindset. The book shares the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.“
Everyone is different but equal. Each person has a unique background from their life experiences, culture, upbringing, and personality. This reminded me of something a close friend said to me, that “despite everyone being different, we are more alike than we are different.” At the end of the day, we’re all human, sharing this life, roaming the vast universe together.
The only moment that exists is the present. The only moment we have is right here, right now. You are not bound by your past or defined by what has happened to you. In every moment, you have the ability to choose. We can often restrict our own growth by dwelling on past traumas, upbringing and memories. Adlerian psychology believes that you can change at any moment. Many people avoid change or taking action because they fear how others might react.
People are our comrades, not our enemy. No one is against you except for the voice in your mind that convinces you that they are. There is no need to compare yourself to others, feel envy, or believe you are inferior. When we choose to see the good in others, and approach them with trust, it brings a deeper sense of connection and meaning to our lives. No one is beneath you and no one is above you.
Do not seek recognition. This one was a tricky one to digest, because naturally people are encouraged and motivated by positive feedback and praise. However, if we constantly seek recognition from others, we can’t experience true fulfillment within ourselves. We end up needing validation to fill our cup, when the reality is that we are already worthy just as we are, simply for existing.
Stop caring what other people think. Caring about what others think limits us from living the life we truly want. When we seek validation from others, we lose touch with our true selves. True freedom is letting go of caring about what other people think. Living for approval traps us in anxiety, expectations and inauthenticity. The book reminds us that “You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations.” When we care too much what others think, it can lead to inaction and self-doubt.
All problems are interpersonal problems. The connections we have with people can bring the greatest joy in our lives. However, they can also be the source of much of our suffering. Even in the moments where we’re alone, our mind is making connections with others. We can resolve this by choosing to trust others, cultivate a sense of belonging within a community, taking responsibility for our own actions, and embracing the courage to be disliked, the courage to change and the courage to be happy.
As young adults, we spend much of our time working. Money is a tool we need to survive, live comfortably and perhaps set aside for enjoyment or fleeting materialistic pleasures. But sometimes I wonder, what really matters in life? There are moments where I contemplate how superficial our society can be. Society tells us to value money, career, status, image, and materials, while character, education, culture, compassion and stillness often take a back seat.
Spending time in nature. After a day in the hustle and bustle of the city, the blaring sounds of traffic, the crowds of people, and the lingering smell of smoke, retreating into nature feels like the natural thing to do. Listening to birdsong and the wind blowing wildly through the trees brings an instant sense of peace. The kind of peace people often chase through things that ultimately don’t matter.
Spending time with loved ones. The people who make us laugh, who we can be unfiltered and weird are good for the soul. These close relationships offer a kind of freedom that can’t be replicated. Notice that warm, positive and loving feeling when you spend time with a good friend or family member. In the end, it’s the connection we have with others and ourselves that give life its deepest meaning.
The little joys in life. Listening to a song that makes us feel like dancing, sipping a cup of tea while reading or going for a walk in the sun have the power to shift our whole day. A baby’s laughter, a funny conversation or a moment of people watching can suddenly make everything feel a little brighter and lighter.
Having a healthy body and mind. Without our health, even the simplest things become difficult. Think of the last time you had a flu, and how hard it was to just get out of bed. Our body, mind, and spirit are so precious, and it’s worth remembering how blessed we are when we are well. Health is something we should never take for granted.
Good character and lifelong learning. Nobody is perfect, no matter what it seems. We can never judge a book by its cover just as we never truly know someone’s story from looking at the surface. Striving to build good character and nurturing a curious, active mind through lifelong learning is important for our personal growth and inner fulfillment.
Practicing gratitude and compassion. It’s easy to fall into the trap of complaining, but there’s freedom in practicing gratitude. When we focus on what we have rather than what we lack, we begin to notice the abundance already present in our lives. Gratitude opens the door to compassion for ourselves and for others.
Inner peace. We often try to present ourselves as normal, even when life feels turbulent beneath the surface. But true peace comes when our inner world is calm — like the ocean after a storm. When we cultivate that stillness within, we’re better able to face whatever’s happening around us.
The things that bring true joy are often simple: spending time with loved ones, feeling completely at peace, being fully present, and enjoying the little things. Nothing in this world is permanent. So remember what truly matters, what sparks something in your heart and embrace those quiet, fleeting moments. We’re all just here for the ride.
The word nice is often said as a compliment to say that someone is lovely, sweet and friendly. “You are such a nice person!” was a very common phrase I heard growing up. As time passes by, it has been a blessing and a curse that has taught me many lessons. Being nice is different to being kind. However, from my own experience, it is difficult because my personality is naturally very caring and friendly. It often takes energy to be nice, and there are moments where I really do want to listen and help someone. However, it is important to be careful where you put your energy, otherwise you will experience emotional burnout.
The word nice has connotations of being modest, likable and well-mannered, but it also has negative underlying meanings of being weak, unaware and naïve. As an introvert, I prefer to spend more time having no activities in my calendar. Therefore, learning the art of saying no is very important. There’s nothing wrong with being friendly, but it’s important to know that there is a distinction between being kind and being nice and to set your boundaries with people. Don’t let people walk over you, and take control of who you are.
The pressure to be nice all the time. The words we are told throughout our childhood have impact on our identity. The repetitive nature of being told something can make us believe those words. We begin to associate who we are as a person with those descriptions. The truth is no one can define who you are except for yourself. However, breaking a life time of believing what someone might say is good or bad can take time. It’s not realistic to be positive all the time and this expectation can create added stress and pressure.
The ability to be kind and assertive. The moments I have been assertive are the moments I’ve felt the stress and worry decline. There is a misconception that being assertive means being loud and outgoing. You can be assertive and direct, but still be gracious and kind. Learning to communicate assertively in a fair and kind manner can be a relief to express yourself calmly and directly, yet still stay true to who you are without having to pretend to be anyone else.
Being taken advantage of. A common experience I had growing up was being bossed around or being told what to do. I want to highlight that there is a difference between being asked for a favour, or designated work in a kind and direct manner. As opposed to someone who is taking advantage of you out of dominance and narcissism. There are many kind people in the world, but it’s important to know that there are people who will only engage with you when they need something or want something from you.
Stop caring what other people think. Being caring and compassionate is being human. We have to remember that that is one of the greatest strengths we have as individuals. However, it is also important to stop caring too much what others think of you. The moments I care too much what someone might think, the more I want to try avoid situations that might upset anyone. No matter what we’re doing in our lives, people will always judge no matter if you succeed or fail. When you start to care less, you begin to live for yourself.
Self respect and self assurance. Clearly stating your needs and being fair and open minded shows that you respect yourself. When you are sure about your choices and decisions, then you can communicate these more directly. When you know who you are, when you accept yourself and when you love yourself, that energy shines out into the world. Our self-esteem is lifted when we have a positive self-image of who we are and our identity.
Healthy disagreements are okay. We can’t escape disagreements with people, and having wisdom to not be involved in unhealthy conflict is a good skill to have. However, it’s okay and very normal to have conflict, because we are all human and we can’t agree on everything. There will be problems and situations we get into that may bring discomfort, and learning to face the discomfort and find the best solution is important.
Avoid passive aggressiveness and emotional outbursts. I can say very clearly from personal experience that one of the worst things for your mental health is bottling your emotions up. Learning to regulate your emotions and finding methods to feel calm and communicate clearly to others will save a lot of distress. The periods of my life where I felt deep depression was after a period of bottling everything up without sharing with anyone.
Pain of perfectionism and self-criticism. The strive for perfection is impossible. The more we create an unreachable standard for ourselves, the more stress and pressure we create for ourselves. It can be debilitating and increase feelings of anxiety. I remember thinking if I upset someone, if I spoke up about a certain topic or said something that might cause negative feelings, then it would mean that I’m not a ‘nice’ person. The self-criticism is very intense in my mind.
Speaking your mindand being honest. When we stay silent in the moments where it counts to speak up, we lose our voice. When we are honest in an authentic and well-intended way, we stay true to who we are but we still have the ability to be assertive. Knowing when to stay silent and when to speak up takes wisdom. Being kind means thinking before we speak and considering how our words may impact on the other person. It means seeing things from someone else’s perspective, and then expressing your views. Being nice is often associated with potentially hiding your true feelings, however, you can always be kind and express how you feel.
The power of saying no. When you say no to things that you can’t commit to, you aren’t interested in or you don’t have the desire to engage with, you are setting your boundaries. The choices we make each day will impact on the life we live. If we say yes to everything, we don’t create space for ourselves and we make ourselves too available for others. It will become a set expectations from others that you are always readily available which can make you end up being taken for granted or attracting only those who will get in touch when they need you, not because they want to.
Set clear boundaries for yourself. As a nice person, it’s easy to want to help others and invest yourself into doing more. The more you set boundaries for yourself, the more that other’s can’t take advantage of you, and the more you are clear about where you stand. Our boundaries keep us safe and conserve where we place our energy. It shows the respect that you have for yourself. Boundaries help to keep your emotions in check, avoid social pressure, be clear about what you don’t tolerate, and stay true to who you are as a person.
Avoid burnout by prioritising yourself. When you prioritise yourself, you prioritise your mental health and wellbeing. This is a hard one, because if you are naturally caring and sensitive then you tend to put others needs before your own. It makes me think of when you’re on the plane, and the safety video tells you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping someone else. You have to take care of yourself first. This doesn’t mean that you are being selfish, it means that you are practicing self-care.
Unrealistic expectations of others. We can’t control how other’s react or what they say, we can only be in control of how we react to a situation. When we’re too nice to others, it builds unrealistic expectations that others should do the same. When they do not meet these expectations, you may feel upset or resentful. I’ve noticed this in situations such as in work or friendships. The truth is we shouldn’t waste our energy towards people who don’t care or who only come to you when they need something.
Being kind is the care and compassion we show through our actions. We can be outwardly nice and polite to those around us. We can smile and be friendly with strangers. When we are kind from our heart, it shows genuine care and empathy. Someone can have a serious demeanour, yet they may show their care through their actions. Someone can be outwardly nice all the time, yet in the moments where it really counts, they aren’t present. This is why it’s important to strive to be kind and assertive, and work at it everyday.
Being assertive means that you stand up for your own rights and set your boundaries clearly. There are many situations in my life where I let things slide by, when all it takes is a moment to speak up. This created a lot of unnecessary pain and hurt. I really hope someone reading this can know how important it is to practice and learn to be assertive, and know that being kind and assertive go hand in hand.
Tien-Jen 