Personal – Tien-Jen

Why I Stopped Going to Church

Going to church every Sunday began when I was younger up until my early twenties. The recent news about Hillsong and Arise church this year sparked memories from my own experiences of growing up going to church. I’d previously attended Hillsong when I lived in Sydney and attended Arise church in NZ a few years ago.

1) Judgment and gossip. It hurts to feel judged and gossiped about. I recall attending a Chinese church growing up where they gossiped about my family once my parents divorced. It was damaging to hear different things being said or adults asking me questions about my family and our personal lives.

2) Superficiality and hypocrisy. When I attended Hillsong and Arise I found that image was very important. I noticed people were always smiling, and those who were on the stage were often wearing designer clothes. It felt superficial and fake at times. There was fake niceness but a lack of genuine kindness. I also questioned the level of transparency and honesty and actions that felt like a lot of hypocrisy.

3) Lack of mental health awareness. There was this idea that God should be able to help you through your mental health journey. I believe faith is important and trusting in God’s plan, but I also think it’s important to have a level of compassion and action to help people. I observed that mental health is often unacknowledged in many churches.

4) Friendships in churches. There was sometimes a sense of pressure to participate in groups, go to bible study, and volunteer. What I often found was when I left church and groups, most people cut ties and don’t contact you or respond to you anymore. It feels like it’s a transactional friendship that relies on going to church. People would often greet you but there was no deeper interactions.

5) Tithing and church as a business. When I attended Hillsong there was an emphasis on tithing. There was also this feeling of guilt if one didn’t tithe. At the end of the day, the church is a business. I remember the last time I went, I realized how it felt extremely commercialized and I could tell there was a lot of money that goes towards the pastors and marketing. I felt a deep disconnect.

6) Bible study group cult experience. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that people will take advantage of others’ vulnerabilities. During a period of my life when I felt immensely vulnerable, I was looking to make friends and they encouraged me to join a bible study group. This began as a weekly bible group at a friend’s house. Further down the line, there was the encouragement to join a bible course.

The course was for 6 months but there were elements that didn’t feel right from the beginning. They encouraged me to cut down on work shifts while I was studying, which I refused. When I was taking time off to go see family, they asked me to consider not going as it was important to commit to the group. There was also a strange aspect of secrecy. Don’t tell anyone you are attending this group and don’t take your notebook home.

I ended up sharing with my family and flatmate and was grateful that I left within 1.5 months. The friends I made that I genuinely valued spending time with cut ties with me altogether and would later ignore any form of contact. This experience taught me about how it is so easy for people to take advantage of you during a vulnerable period.

7) Church wasn’t aligning with all my values. I believe God loves and accept every person. It’s not right to tell anyone they should be this or that. There’s also arrogance in some churches where they believe if you are Christian you are better than other people and other religions. I recall a sermon where they talked about Buddhism and were implying that it’s less than Christianity.

I still pray and believe in God but I stopped going to church a few years ago. There are aspects of how some churches are run that need to change. Love is accepting anyone with open arms no matter who they are. Love is shown through actions. A sense of feeling lost and isolated was one of the reasons I attended church. I wanted a sense of connection but often felt even more isolated.

What were your experiences of going to church like?

Art by Monica Barengo

December 13, 2022

arise, christianity, church, hillsong, mental health, pentecostal, Personal
Playing The Piano After A Decade

Do you remember the first time you saw a music performance? I remember watching The Phantom of the Opera and I immediately fell in love with it. As a child, I’d play piano music out loud and dance around the house, listen to tapes for hours, and watch musicals and orchestral performances dreaming of being a musician. At school, we had the opportunity to try different instruments and I remember playing the recorder. I enjoyed reading the notes on the page and playing some simple pieces. Soon, I would say goodbye to my recorder and start playing the flute.

I feel a deep sense of peace writing this as it’s been something on my heart for many years. I spent a lot of time and dedication to music each and every day. I remember playing in jazz band, flute choirs, orchestras, completing examinations, participating in competitions and workshops, playing in concerts, busking, piano accompaniment, and music teaching. Attending music lessons each week for piano, flute, singing and music theory. Gaining wisdom and knowledge from my music teachers. The digital piano that I played on as we couldn’t afford an acoustic one.

One day I applied for a scholarship to have a free piano for a year, I remember it was a beautiful dark mahogany Boston piano with the most beautiful sound. I’d spend the day playing on the acoustic piano and the night with my headphones playing the digital piano. I was extremely hard on myself and would often doubt myself or have a level of perfectionism that made me feel frustrated at times. I loved music though, how I could work on something again and again and express my heart and soul. I often struggled to vocally express myself and music breaks all boundaries as it is the language that anyone can feel and understand.

When I was fourteen I was very determined to go to university to study music and become a music teacher and orchestral musician. At sixteen I left home and studied at the School of Music in NZ for a Bachelor of Music in classical performance on the flute. I was a very passionate soul who was entirely obsessive about music and saw it as my life. The first year of music was exciting but sadly became very tough on my mental health. I remember feeling depressed and suicidal. It was difficult.

During the second year, I dropped out at the end of the year with just one year to go. I was 18 at the time and struggling with my mental health and questioning what exactly did I want to do. Everyone was surprised and so many people said why are you giving up? I didn’t like to feel I was giving up at the time. I felt I disappointed those who believed in me, through all the hard work and energy, and enthusiasm I put through. It sounds dramatic, but a part of me after letting go of music for so many years felt that there was something missing within me.

Music has always been a way to express my soul. When you may struggle to find the words to completely express what’s within you can express this through music or any other form be it painting, dancing, singing, or writing. This year I started playing the piano again, which has been incredibly healing. Music is something that always stays with you. The greatest joy this time was that it felt like I was doing it completely for myself, not to please anyone, not for any acceptance. Music brings a sense of peace, presence, and joy and connects us to our inner world and the world outside. A world without music is unimaginable.

What instrument(s) do you play? What instrument would you like to play?

Photography by Tommy Baboon

September 2, 2022

career, Classical Music, flute, music, music instrument, musician, Personal, piano, University

Why I Stopped Going to Church

Playing The Piano After A Decade