Do you remember the first time you saw a music performance? I remember watching The Phantom of the Opera and I immediately fell in love with it. As a child, I’d play piano music out loud and dance around the house, listen to tapes for hours, and watch musicals and orchestral performances dreaming of being a musician. At school, we had the opportunity to try different instruments and I remember playing the recorder. I enjoyed reading the notes on the page and playing some simple pieces. Soon, I would say goodbye to my recorder and start playing the flute.
I feel a deep sense of peace writing this as it’s been something on my heart for many years. I spent a lot of time and dedication to music each and every day. I remember playing in jazz band, flute choirs, orchestras, completing examinations, participating in competitions and workshops, playing in concerts, busking, piano accompaniment, and music teaching. Attending music lessons each week for piano, flute, singing and music theory. Gaining wisdom and knowledge from my music teachers. The digital piano that I played on as we couldn’t afford an acoustic one.
One day I applied for a scholarship to have a free piano for a year, I remember it was a beautiful dark mahogany Boston piano with the most beautiful sound. I’d spend the day playing on the acoustic piano and the night with my headphones playing the digital piano. I was extremely hard on myself and would often doubt myself or have a level of perfectionism that made me feel frustrated at times. I loved music though, how I could work on something again and again and express my heart and soul. I often struggled to vocally express myself and music breaks all boundaries as it is the language that anyone can feel and understand.
When I was fourteen I was very determined to go to university to study music and become a music teacher and orchestral musician. At sixteen I left home and studied at the School of Music in NZ for a Bachelor of Music in classical performance on the flute. I was a very passionate soul who was entirely obsessive about music and saw it as my life. The first year of music was exciting but sadly became very tough on my mental health. I remember feeling depressed and suicidal. It was difficult.
During the second year, I dropped out at the end of the year with just one year to go. I was 18 at the time and struggling with my mental health and questioning what exactly did I want to do. Everyone was surprised and so many people said why are you giving up? I didn’t like to feel I was giving up at the time. I felt I disappointed those who believed in me, through all the hard work and energy, and enthusiasm I put through. It sounds dramatic, but a part of me after letting go of music for so many years felt that there was something missing within me.
Music has always been a way to express my soul. When you may struggle to find the words to completely express what’s within you can express this through music or any other form be it painting, dancing, singing, or writing. This year I started playing the piano again, which has been incredibly healing. Music is something that always stays with you. The greatest joy this time was that it felt like I was doing it completely for myself, not to please anyone, not for any acceptance. Music brings a sense of peace, presence, and joy and connects us to our inner world and the world outside. A world without music is unimaginable.
What instrument(s) do you play? What instrument would you like to play?
Photography by Tommy Baboon
Tien-Jen 