reading – Tien-Jen

The Courage To Be Disliked

No one is thinking about you, nor are you thinking about them. That’s the magic of it: everyone is focusing on their own lives. I’ve often experienced intense social anxiety, but the reminder that most people are busy preoccupied with themselves is a massive relief. Social anxiety tricks you into believing that people are judging everything you do or say, when in reality, most people aren’t paying much attention. We create the mental chains that hold us back and stop us from living freely and authentically.

The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is a Japanese book that follows a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man. The philosopher draws concepts from Adlerian psychology and explores how we can live more meaningful lives. Most people have a deep desire to be accepted, validated and liked. The book shows that true freedom and content comes from letting go of the need to be liked. When we crave approval, we act in ways that are socially acceptable rather than authentic. The truth is, some people will like us and some won’t, and that’s not in our control.

Everyone has their own tasks. Everyone is responsible for their own tasks in life. We cannot control or change others, but we can focus on what is within our own power. True change comes from taking ownership of ones own action and mindset. The book shares the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.“

Everyone is different but equal. Each person has a unique background from their life experiences, culture, upbringing, and personality. This reminded me of something a close friend said to me, that “despite everyone being different, we are more alike than we are different.” At the end of the day, we’re all human, sharing this life, roaming the vast universe together.

The only moment that exists is the present. The only moment we have is right here, right now. You are not bound by your past or defined by what has happened to you. In every moment, you have the ability to choose. We can often restrict our own growth by dwelling on past traumas, upbringing and memories. Adlerian psychology believes that you can change at any moment. Many people avoid change or taking action because they fear how others might react.

People are our comrades, not our enemy. No one is against you except for the voice in your mind that convinces you that they are. There is no need to compare yourself to others, feel envy, or believe you are inferior. When we choose to see the good in others, and approach them with trust, it brings a deeper sense of connection and meaning to our lives. No one is beneath you and no one is above you.

Do not seek recognition. This one was a tricky one to digest, because naturally people are encouraged and motivated by positive feedback and praise. However, if we constantly seek recognition from others, we can’t experience true fulfillment within ourselves. We end up needing validation to fill our cup, when the reality is that we are already worthy just as we are, simply for existing.

Stop caring what other people think. Caring about what others think limits us from living the life we truly want. When we seek validation from others, we lose touch with our true selves. True freedom is letting go of caring about what other people think. Living for approval traps us in anxiety, expectations and inauthenticity. The book reminds us that “You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations.” When we care too much what others think, it can lead to inaction and self-doubt.

All problems are interpersonal problems. The connections we have with people can bring the greatest joy in our lives. However, they can also be the source of much of our suffering. Even in the moments where we’re alone, our mind is making connections with others. We can resolve this by choosing to trust others, cultivate a sense of belonging within a community, taking responsibility for our own actions, and embracing the courage to be disliked, the courage to change and the courage to be happy.

Art by Kelly Beeman

July 12, 2025

Adlerian Psychology, book review, Books, Books, Life, reading, The Courage to be Disliked, writing
The Art Of Slow Reading

Your eyes skim across the pages of the book from left to right racing towards the finish line in anticipation. You feel a wave of excitement discovering what happens next as you determinedly read quickly through the book. There’s a great sense of accomplishment that comes from finishing a book, but ultimately reading is about quality, not quantity. If we are able to read a book and absorb the wisdom, lessons and knowledge while applying it in our own lives, then that’s one of the most rewarding things in life.

Remember when you were a child listening attentively to a storybook and the excitement of hearing what happens. There’s a great sense of presence, visualisation, engagement and empathy towards the characters. The story is read at a steady pace as we listen to the different tones and tempo of the story. There’s a simple joy in reading as we’re taken on a journey with the characters while being transported into an entirely new world.

We are often rushing through time which can make us lose sense of the present. Fast reading can come in handy as a skill and it’s incredibly prevalent in our daily lives. For example, when you’re reading a news article, watching subtitles on the television or when you’re looking through a document you will naturally look for keywords and information at a glance. However, when it comes to reading a book, the best kind is when we are able to engage with the story we’re reading and deeply listen and connect with it.

Art by Monica Barengo

January 18, 2022

art, Books, reading, slow reading
Why We Should Read More Books

The magic of reading is that it allows you to expand your mind, use your imagination and learn something new. It helps you gain a new perspective, go on adventures and leave your comfort zone. Reading brings emotions, thoughts, and ideas to ponder on. Books were a special part of my childhood, from the bedtime stories, trips to the library and getting lost in another world. When I was younger, there were shelves of books and magazines at home. We had many National Geographic magazines, all the way from the 1980’s, and I liked to sit on the floor and read them. On the shelves were classics from Anne Frank’s Diary, The Call of the Wild, The Little Prince, Jane Eyre, Animal Farm and The Catcher in the Rye.

During high school, I went through a stage where I read a lot of books by Jane Austen and Shakespeare. Reading teaches us the virtue of patience, empathy, loyalty, kindness, humility, courage, respect and so forth. There are characters that go through a journey that we’re invited to go along with. I’ve found reading to be really helpful in improving one’s writing, even though I’m still working on my grammar. Every author has their own style of writing, and it’s good to be exposed to different styles. Writing is therapeutic, but reading relaxes the mind. It allows you to truly stay in the present, reading each word as it comes, yet being able to completely escape into somewhere else in your imagination.

Books require us to use our imagination. It creates a quiet space, which is important to have during the day. I also find that reading before going to sleep can really help with falling asleep quicker, and also the exposure to less screen time. When I use digital technology at night time, I find my mind is more active, but when I read more at night, the mind tends to be more relaxed. We can learn something new from the characters and stories. A lot of new words I’ve picked up over the years are from reading, whether it’s from a fiction book, textbook, magazine or online article. When we read it stimulates our brain, and it also helps us to momentarily focus on something else.

I’ve found this to be very healing, as it’s helped so much in lessening my anxiety. Anxiety is created when we place too much focus on ourselves and create worry in our mind. Reading fills our mind with different stories, and we can gain more perspective on life. It’s also a great way to connect with someone if you’ve both read the same book, and you can talk about the story, ideas, and characters. The best thing about books is that there is something for everyone, because of the endless amount of genres. Have you ever felt that books tend to be more colourful in your mind, compared to when you see a movie version? Although there may be exceptions to some films, I’ve always found that the books are always more detailed and graphic in the mind. Our imagination is so powerful.

Reading helps to improve your memory and ability to focus. It requires attention in order to know what’s happening, and your memory improves as you follow along each chapter. When you read, it’s a process of focusing on the page. I find that if we use our digital devices, it’s easier to get distracted because of the different functions. However, a book just requires us to read each page to the next. Enjoying the simple joys in life is one of the ultimate reasons to read more. I still like to read picture books sometimes when I go to the bookstore or sit in the library. I don’t think you’re ever too old to read children books, or too young to read a long fiction novel if you want to. Reading is a wonderful hobby to have and it’s a great way to fill the free time during the day.

What are some of your favourite books?

August 6, 2018

Books, Books, read, reading
The Healing Power Of Writing

Have you ever felt as if you can’t quite articulate something vocally, the way you may think of it in your mind? Writing everything translates much more fluidly from your mind to your fingertips. Till this day I am not the best at expressing myself fully, the way I may want other’s to understand. However, when I write it down it all makes perfect sense.

What ever brings a smile to your face or saddens your heart, writing has a way of healing by bringing clarity and reflection. When I read my past writing, I realise how much I have come and how much I have learned. My perspectives may have changed or stayed the same. When I finished writing those words in my diary or in an article, they made me feel released in a way, just to get it on paper. You can read over it and feel more clear about how you were feeling and thinking about certain situations. Reading and Writing are the great escapes into adventure and imagination.

What a wonderful way to express emotion. In a world that often tells us to hide how we are feeling, writing is a way to set free how we feel deep within. I remember reading The Diary of Anne Frank. It was remarkable to read her diary entries and it made me feel inspired by her bravery. We all have words inside of us that we may want others to hear, but a part of ourselves want to keep it to ourselves. Which is why many people may keep a journal. In time, the hurt we feel will heal. The words we once wrote may have been written with a heavy heart, but over time they heal and we can look back and see how far we’ve come.

There are words that need to be written and not said out loud. We all whisper a beautiful story inside of us.

Penning a Letter by George Goodwin Kilburne, 1839-1924.

June 5, 2016

Anne Frank, Daily Thoughts, reading, writing

The Courage To Be Disliked

The Art Of Slow Reading

Why We Should Read More Books

The Healing Power Of Writing

Penning a Letter by George Goodwin Kilburne, 1839-1924.